TAC has often attempted to foresee developments in the hills, but has never stooped so low as to turn to soothsayers and the like. The ridiculous "Brahan Seer" was roundly condemned when he "appeared" in The Golden Cagoule a few years back, whilst the three blasted-heath harridans of Doris Strokes, Eileen Brewery and Jacqueline Grievous have often been roughly treated in these pages. Put simply, astrology is tosh. Then we encountered Dr Dreich ...
Mars is retrograde in your house at present, so expect to become lost towards the end of the month - random wanderings and recriminations will culminate in an exchange of blows, resulting in at least one hospitalisation. New socks seem more and more likely, perhaps coming from an unexpected source.
Lucky survival food: sardines.
The recent supernova in Taurus heralds disappointment ahead. Your current energy and brilliance will decline inexorably towards darkness, uselessness and death. But the Moon will bring some light mid-month, possibly involving new batteries for that old head torch. Lucky Mountain Rescue Team: Lochaber.
Quicksilver Mercury traverses your sign this month. Extra protection will be required on even the easiest of pitches, since holds will prove slippery and treacherous. A tendency to plummet will become prominent during the third week, so check that favourite old rope now!
Lucky long bone fracture: femur.
Life continues miserable, with death a long-felt want. There are many ways to hasten things along, but simply venturing into the hills without adequate equipment will prove futile. Consider taking up ice climbing, and keep paracetamol, paraquat or bleach constantly to hand.
Lucky reptile: adder.
The combined influence of Neptune and Pluto makes drowning, hypothermia and benightment likely, although not necessarily in that order. Bad things will happen to those who have mocked your bobble hat, however. Now is the time to deal with that old delaminating Gore-tex.
Lucky survival aid: emergency tracheostomy kit.
Regal Jupiter dominates: he is known for deflowering virgins, often while disguised as an animal. Virgos of both sexes should therefore be particularly wary of encounters with swans or bulls towards the end of the month - carry a sharp stick, and do not turn your back. Dampness may ruin a well-loved balaclava.
Lucky weather: haar.