Wildlife Corner No. l: The Sheep

If you took Hamish MacInnes' TV programmes as your guide, you would think that people climbed hills in the company of majestic eagles, soaring stags and beardy men in helicopters. As we all know, the sad truth is that all you ever see all day are sheep. The "great woolly chieftain of the hillside" is as ubiquitous as goretex. But how well do you know the sheep? Can you empathise with it? Ace TAC reporter Perkin Warbeck invites you to test your knowledge below:

1. You are walking down the right hand side of a road when a car approaches from behind. What do you do?

(a) keep walking but watch out,
(b) leap a over a fence to get out of its way, or
(c) keep walking till the last minute then dive out right in front of the car.

2. You are unsure what to wear on the hill. Do you choose:

(a) 3 or 4 thin layers with a goretex jacket on top,
(b) 2 or 3 thin layers with one of those fleecy jackets everyone in the pub always has on, or
(c) about 6 woolly jumpers so heavy that if you fall over you will lie there kicking your legs till you get turned over by fellow climbers or die.

3. It is the Day of Creation. The Almighty offers you a voice. Do you take:

(a) the resonant plaintive tenor of Pavarotti,
(b) the smoke-and-whisky late night growl of Rod Stewart, or
(c) an utterly pathetic bleating sound.

4. You are climbing a hill and feel hungry. What do you eat?

(a) peanut butter sandwiches and a flask of coffee,
(b) a hi-energy bar and a can of Lucozade Isotonic, or
(c) grass.

5. You are tired after a day's climbing and start looking out for a bivvy site. Where do you pitch your tent?

(a) a campsite with hot water and showers,
(b) a flat secluded grassy spot on the banks of a burn, or
(c) in the middle of a road.

6. You are at the top of a steep craggy hill with a few of your mates. As a stranger arrives a couple of your mates dive off the top in reckless fashion. Do you shout:

(a) "Wait a minute, this is a bit daft",
(b) "I think I'll take an easier route - see you at the bottom!", or
(c) "Wait for me I'm coming too"

7. You are sunning yourself eating grass when some fearsome beardy climbers approach. Being scared of them do you:

(a) allow them to pass by; they are quite harmless really,
(b) set off on a course designed to maximise the distance between you and them, or
(c) set off on your stubby wee legs exactly in the direction they are walking so that you never get away from them.

8. You are in a campsite and cannot sleep. Do you:

(a) read the Munros book,
(b) count climbers, or
(c) keep everyone else awake with a pathetic bleating noise.

9. What do you think of the Evolutionary Theory that species develop such that stupid, weak and physically incapable species are weeded out over the course of time?

(a) it seems to correlate with most of the facts,
(b) there are exceptions to every rule, or
(c) did someone say grass?

10. You are young and sprightly and gambolling in the fields. As you look around, what would you like to be when you grow up?

(a) one of those upright, tweedclad, whistling creatures with the curvy sticks,
(b) one of those black and white, energetic, intelligent, barking creatures darting about, or
(c) one of those fat, slow, bleating creatures being piled into the truck.

How did you score?

For each (a) score 0, each (b) score 2 & each (c) score 4.

1-10 You are not at all sheepish and probably incline more to the company of humans.

11-30 You are a bit sheepish, probably own a few jumpers and have trouble crossing roads.

31-40 You are in the wrong skin! Watch out for dogs!

TAC 2 Index